How to Love When You Have No Language for It
- Janette Owens
- Jun 30
- 4 min read
I know I say this often, but I grew up in a home where love was never spoken. My father buried himself in work, and my mother wrestled with untreated mental illness. Mom was incapable of showing affection, and Dad was numb from loving a woman who didn’t know how to love him back.
I watched them drift through each day without a single “I love you” ever shared. I learned early that silence was a safer shelter than vulnerability. Love was a foreign script I desperately wanted to read, but never had the words to understand.
Repeating my parents' story
When you’ve never felt genuine warmth, you chase shadows. You dive into relationships hoping to find the care you missed at home. You settle for partners who flirt with attention, then vanish. You learn to equate love with pain because pain is all you’ve ever known.
You carry a hollow ache inside.
You reach for affection in all the wrong places. You cling to partners who mirror the cold distance of your childhood. You accept crumbs of attention because you have no idea what a feast of genuine care feels like.
You mimic the patterns you saw. You barely express your own needs, then wonder why no one listens to you. I realized I was repeating my parents' story, seeking love from people who were unable to give it to me.
Something had to change
I remember standing alone in my small apartment and letting the grief rise. I wept for the mother who never held me when I cried. I wept for the father who had no tears left after years of heartache. In that moment, I understood I had to teach myself love from the ground up.
I knew something had to change.
I started writing in a journal that a close friend gave me on my 25th birthday. It became my safe place to explore emotions I had buried. I named the loneliness, the anger, and the longing. I gave each feeling permission to be seen without judgment. In that honest space, I began to untangle the lies I had created about my worth.
Learning a new love language
I had to invent a new language for love inside my own soul. I started by teaching myself simple truths. Every chance I got, I wrote on Post-its, 'You are worthy.' 'You are seen.' 'You are loved.' I placed those notes on my fridge and bathroom mirror and recited them every day. Over time, those words became anchors for me.
I leaned into my faith next. I asked God to pour His love into every hollow place in my heart. I soaked up verses that promised nothing could ever separate me from His embrace.
As I clung to those promises, I felt a gentle, patient love surround me. I sensed the Lord holding me close and speaking hope into my wounded spirit.
Because of Jesus Christ, I realized love isn’t something you earn; it is a free gift. His love rewrote my inner story and gave me a new way to speak from my soul.
Creating a new narrative
I decided to find friends who were willing to talk openly about their feelings and show they care. I listened as they said, "I'm here for you," and let those words resonate within me, providing comfort and reassurance.
Every time I got a real compliment, I fought off the urge to doubt it. I started practicing gratitude by thanking people for their small acts of kindness and noticed how it made them smile. By sharing words of love, I figured out how to accept them, too.
Therapy also became a safe space where I could work through the rough edges of my heart. I learned to name emotions that I had buried. Sadness was no longer a source of shame. I stopped struggling to control my anger.. And little by little, I stitched a new narrative. I realized that love is not only a feeling; it is a practice of honesty, empathy, and gentle consistency.
Today, I can say “I love you” with conviction and truly mean it. I can recognize acts of love not as rare gifts but as everyday blessings. I still trip up sometimes when those old fears pop up, telling me I'm unlovable. But now I shut them down with a kinder truth. I have a language for love, and I continue to learn new words every day.
If you're ready to embrace a new language of love, please share your story below and consider subscribing for uplifting insights.
Janette Owens is the founder of Be Inspired For Real and owner of Be Inspired For Real LLC. She loves everything inspirational and has spent most of her life inspiring and motivating others through humor, prose, exhortation, and the power of God's grace. Janette is the author of A Swan Song, an intimate collection of poems and short stories. Janette lives just outside of Memphis, Tennessee.
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